Bandwidth

Long time no post. Freaked out earlier today. It was more a culmination of events. Basically I was stressed and overwhelmed at the amount of work I've been doing lately. It wasn't life work, just school work. Getting a Master's while working full time isn't easy. I did well with one class last semester Fall 2010. This semester I took 2 classes, and found that, I'm having a lot of trouble, stress, and not a lot or enough time to do it all. I didn't really admit I was having problems, but I suppose, the first step is realizing there's a problem.

Let's see, I suppose it boils down to bandwidth. Some of us just have more than others. Me, a perfectionist and overachiever, I overwhelm fairly easily trying to do it all and over-thinking it. I was thinking today about how much I over-think things and my husband started laughing at me.

Anyway with the quality of life I want, I don't think I can fit the 2 classes a semester in there. I did really well with one, and just pushing yourself doesn't always produce the best results. Sometimes you just get hurt and it sets you back. I think that's the case with school. I tried to do too much at once and the rest of my life went out of balance. I had less friend time, fun time, social time, family time, blogging time, cleaning time, exercise workout time, cooking and eating right time, and self-growth time. All this, it's a careful balance and I've lost it. My plants have suffered, and the house is dirtier, I feel fat and unhealthy, I don't hang out with friends, and it's just too much/a lot.

Anyway, I sort of made a weird New Year's Resolution this year, to fail. Yes, and so far I've been fulfilling it. I've failed at multiple things, but it's given me the freedom to try and to be ok with the results no matter what. I've been more open and adventurous and good with failures. Learning to be not so perfectionist and living a more buddhist middle road life rather than an attempt at a perfect one.

So balance is key and sometimes we just don't have the bandwidth. I think I've decided, one less class per semester, just one - and I'll have time, room and patience for all the other stuff in my life that deserves attention. Just gotta get through April and May.